Chew on this, Jerry Ma-fuckin'-guire.

Why this website exists, why I do what I do, and why you want to read it.

Think about it.  Being a movie critic is a sweet job.  You work alone, you can pound down  handfuls of Milk Duds and popcorn while on the clock, and all you have to do is watch movies.  Oh sure, you have to endure the loss of circulation in your legs as you sit through most of the insufferable crap Hollywood (and the so-called "independents") release, but if worse comes to worse - and believe me it does - remember, you always have an out:  you're in a dark room.  You can shut your eyes, take a little nap, and still get paid for doing your job.

But what is a critic's job, really?  You know the pretentious answer: a film critic is there to interpret the film for you, explaining all the subtle nuances you can’t/don’t comprehend, and then stamp their seal of (dis)approval on the film. But what is it that you, the movie going public, really want to know? Whether this film you’re about to plunk $10-$15 down on is any good, right?

That’s where I come in. You see, I have all the credentials to be a “real” movie critic (if you don’t believe me, then check out my bio there on your left).  But I know full well that the last thing this world needs is another dumb-ass, smarmy movie critic offering you yet another take on the thumbs up/down, four star scale, or A-B-C letter grade movie review. What’s needed in this high stress and even higher caffeinated society is a quick answer to the question “is this movie good or bad or what?”

And dammit, that’s what I’m hear to tell you.

I'm in your corner, battling for you - the true movie fan - who can no longer stomach what's being passed off as a "good" film today. While there was no truly golden age in Hollywood (for every "Godfather" in the '70s, there was a long forgotten "Freebie and the Bean" to go along with it), the quality of releases seem to worsen with each passing day.  And that's due to something that’s been beating you in the forehead with a sledgehammer on a daily basis for decades now: the Hollywood system.

Despite the facade, Hollywood is not concerned with making art. Their primary focus is the art of making money. As all of today’s major movie studios are wholly owned and operated as subsidiaries of monstrous corporations, their only concern is the bottom line – profitability. If a movie idea can’t seemingly turn a future profit, then it ain’t worth making. Which is why most every movie made today is considered to be a “high concept” film.

What’s that, you ask innocently? Well, take a look at what’s playing at your local movie megamart. Theaters are overrun with ill-conceived and unnecessary remakes, comic book – sorry, fanboys – graphic novel films, and sequels only the institutionalized care about. Not to mention the rehashes of Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, and the Judd Apatow crew that offer diminishing comedic returns with each subsequent offering. Or the moronic and mind-numbingly bad action films of Michael Bay, Brett Ratner, and their supposedly film school trained ilk. 

There's a built in marketing hook with these types films.  And it catches alot of unsuspecting fish.

What's most important to the polished brass in the studios is that high concept films are stories that can be summarized in just a single sentence.  That's the point: they're supposed to be straightfoward, easy to digest, junk food filmmaking.  There’s no need for depth or development or even good acting in such a film. Adding these sorely needed elements would often be overkill (and an unprofitable expense) because these films are aimed squarely at the lowest common denominator.

And if your intelligence is insulted by this, "so be it," Hollywood says, "as long as you continue to dish out your hard earned cash to see these films, we’ll keep making this schlock."

So if Hollywood is willing to risk their fortunes and future on these bullshit films they sell to you in a single sentence, then the only review they deserve can come in the form of a single sentence.

That’s my mission. To review Hollywood’s latest offerings in a single – albeit not always grammatically correct – sentence.  Anything more would be redundant. 

One caveat:

I don’t even bother viewing all of the movies I review.

Unfair, you say? Hell, at least I’m honest and forthright about it. Some of this crap exposes itself enough in its own trailer to warn me to stay away - far away.  So until they start paying me to sit through all of their shitty movies, I’m sticking to my guns and doing things my way.