The Movies You Missed - On Purpose
Rent 'em and weep
An ORANGE highlighted title indicates an official Single Sentence Movie Reviews Date Flick Pick from previous installments.
#
12 Rounds
It was scheduled to go 12 rounds, but my brain and will was TKO'd in the first.
17 Again
A stale premise for sure, this could've been much worse than it is, although it's close.
2012
Alotta stuff gets blown up real good, and forgive me, but it's great fun to watch.
(500) Days of Summer
I'm not 100% sold on it, but this may be the indie film of the year.
9
Visual stunning; if the story telling were improved upon, this could have been a classic.
A
Adventureland
Ah, to be young, in love, and working a deadend summer job again - this film makes you beg to be there once again.
Aliens in the Attic
A good idea of a film gone horribly, horribly wrong.
All About Steve
I love Sandra Bullock, but this...this is just painful.
Amelia
Somehow these filmmakers managed to make an extraordinary life feel rather boring.
Angels & Demons
Better than The DaVinci Code, but with the talent involved in this, that's not a ringing endorsement.
Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Perhaps the greatest heavy metal documentry ever made, these guys make Spinal Tap look foolish (and not in the "ha ha" way).
Astro Boy
A weak attempt at family entertainment.
Australia
Director Baz Lurhmann paints images on the screen more magnificently than any other director working today, but the story telling could use some work.
Away We Go
It's a typical quirky indie flick; so if you like those, you'll like this (but I don't and I didn't).
Did Ya Ever Notice...? Why don't people ever really sweat in movies? I sit outside on a hot summer day, and I'm covered in the stuff. People in movies go outside on bright sunny days, and nary a drop can be seen. Oh, when the filmmakers want you to see sweat, as in a training sequence, a tense situation, or extra-erotic sex, the characters sweat, yet they do so in a way I've never sweated in my life. Where's the realistic sweat?
B
Bedtime Stories
A mangled mess of sentimentality (albeit free from forced holiday cheer) that most likely will leave both children and adults only mildly amused.
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Save a child's precious mind and keep them far, far away from this.
The Blind Side
If you saw any coming attractions for this film, then really you saw the movie.
Body of Lies
Ridley Scott along with Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio try really hard, and the talent is on display, but tryin' just don't get the job done.
Bolt
It's nothing you haven't seen before, yet Bolt crackles with energy and wit while the animation (if you avoid the 3D headache) is quite easy on the eyes.
The Box
Looking at the trailer for this film, it was either going to be a great mind-fuck (which it's not) or a complete, moronic mess (which it is).
Bride Wars
Utter nonsense that if it contained some realistic characters or situations, might've been mildly amusing rather than just bad.
The Brothers Bloom
It's a film about deceptions and cons; the problem is, the filmmakers attempt to con the audience in the process instead of focusing on making a good film.
Bruno
What may be most shocking is that the film's laughs are lacking in number.
C
Cadillac Records
Typical Hollywood "history" in action, yet it wisely focuses on the music rather than the whole truth (but it would've been a more interesting movie had they just stuck to the Howlin' Wolf story).
Changeling
That Clint Eastwood is a Hollywood legend in more ways than one, but despite Angelina Jolie acting her way to an Oscar, this movie is just a tad cold.
A Christmas Carol
While ultilizing the 3D images to the max, what director Robert Zemeckis should've focused on was not butchering Charles Dickens' uber-classic story (in fact, did anyone really ask to see another interpretation of A Christmas Carol in the first place?).
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
I don't know what the hell this film is attempting to be, but it ain't good.
City of Ember
Perhaps, like me, you're wondering why this movie - a darkly interesting fable with the likes of Bill Murray in it no less - hasn't gotten any publicity, but then you see it and well...
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
A charming little story of a small town inventor which will likely be lost among all of the other 3D computer animated films offered up this year (even though this is the only one to feature the voice work of everyone's hero - Bruce Campbell).
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Isla Fisher (usually winning) presence aside, it tries and simply fails to be a lighter "Devil Wears Prada."
Coraline
An amazing film to watch, considering it's stop motion animation and not just a bunch of computer pixels, on top of which is layered an engaging - and sometimes downright creepy - modern fairy tale.
Couples Retreat
What a horrible, horrible waste of talent and any viewers' time.
Crank: High Voltage
Lunacy + gobs of action + Jason Statham = good (but not clean) fun.
Crossing Over
An assinine look at illegal immigration that somehow managed to get both Harrison Ford and Ashley Judd involved (remember when those two had actual, bankable careers?).
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
While I wanted to love this film, I merely liked it, because much like Brad Pitt's title character, I kept searching for answer that never appeared.
D
Dance Flick
The Family Wayans (just how many of them are there?) have been producing their brand of hit-and-miss comedy since In Living Color and this stays true to form, leaving me to wonder when are they either going to give it up or buckle down and deliver something truly worth seeing?
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Why, if you decide to remake a classic (even if it's a B-grade Sci-Fi flick), do you decide to dumb it down, make it louder and flashier, and then completely ignore the original's story line which is what made it a classic in the first place?
Defiance
I'm sick and tired of the boo-hooing surrouding what the Jews had to endure in World War II (I understand it was horrific, but 60 years later I don't need to relive it over and over again, and neither should anyone else), so if you'd wipe away the tears and stick to the rebellion underlying this film, it'd have been 10x better.
District 9
Good sci-fi that works on many levels, yet falls short of being the classic it aspired to be.
Doubt
It's all there in the title - doubt you'll see it, doubt you'll like it, doubt it'll make its cast's salaries back.
Drag Me To Hell
Why was Sam Raimi bothering to make emo-Spiderman when he should've been keeping closer to his heart and making great horror-comedies like this?
Duplicity
More interesting and intelligent than anything you've likely seen in a while, yet for my taste Julia Roberts is completely miscast, lacking any credibility as either a former CIA agent or a sexy temptress (but she can still read the lines convincingly).
E
Echelon Conspiracy
Though I digs me some good conspiracy, there's a excellent rule of thumb that states never trust any movie that has to stick the word "conspiracy" in its title.
Eden
In a film exploring a Irish couple's 10 year anniversary, I have just this to say: Being Irish, I'm well aware that "Irish" and "Love" don't mix well without the binding agent known as "Whiskey."
The Edge of Love
It's a wonder how can a director take a stacked young cast (with the likes of Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller, and Cillian Murphy on screen) and make them as boring as they are in this filmed drudgery, yet here we are.
The Express
The story Ernie "The Express" Davis deserves to be told, and told right, but it can't be done with a PG rating (because you can't drop the "n-word" in a PG film the way Davis had to suffer through it his whole career).
Extract
This is a clear product of writer/director Mike Judge, meaning its good but falls short of being memorably great.
F
Fanboys
Oh, the true fanboys might find this funny (while thinking "this is nothing like me"), but for me, a movie that lives and dies by referencing other films, especially the beat-to-death Star Wars franchise, is just lazy writing.
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Once you get over the herky-jerky animation, this is a great film for any age.
Fast & Furious
If you have the mind of an infant and like shiny things that move around really fast, this movie is for you.
Fighting
If you can't figure out what this movie's about from its title, then you're the sort of person who'd likely enjoy it.
The Final Destination
3D horror films died for me way back when Friday The 13th 3D was released; this does not renew interest in the genre.
Fired Up
I like this film better when it started two hot chicks and was called Bring It On.
Flash of Genius
Could you define bland any better than a film starring Greg Kinnear as the inventor the intermittent windshield wiper?
Four Christmases
Did you seriously not expect this to be the big steaming hunk of cinematic excrement it turns out to be?
The Fourth Kind
It's not based on a true story, suckers.
Friday the 13th
Seriously, do people care to see how this communal nightmare of a film series got started?
Frost/Nixon
Sure, it's getting all sorts of raves and (likely) award nominations - rightfully so - but if you see it you may wonder why all the fuss over an interview conducted 30 years ago.
Funny People
Like Apatow's other films, a good 30 minutes could be chopped out and nothing would be lost, yet even doing that wouldn't save the movie from being overwrought and under funny.
G
G-Force
While the onslaught of promotional materials surrounding this film probably made you well aware of it, sitting through it would make you wish you weren't so fortunate.
Gamer
This movie exists because of its concept - not because it's well written, directed, or acted.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
For a "romantic comedy" it is rather short on both any sense of romance or comedy (and the more I see her, the less I think Jennifer Garner can act which is not to say Matthew McConaughey is much better at the skill).
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Admittedly, most action films aren't very intelligent, but this thing is an out-and-out train wreck.
Good
As the Nazi inspired Xmas releases continue, the quality drops from Valkyrie to Defiance to this which is a completely mish-mashed failure.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
The Kurt Russell awesomeness of Used Cars beats this pale imitation into the pavement.
Gran Torino
Actor/Director Clint Eastwood is a master, no doubt about it, and he rarely disappoints.
The Great Buck Howard
This is John Malkovich's movie, showcasing his command of range and comedic abilities, but when he's not in a scene - watch out.
Did Ya Ever Notice...? Why, when people in movies are shot at, do the bad guys always miss short of their intended target? Bullets are always nipping at the hero's feet. Yet if I was aiming at someone, I'd be shooting at their torso or head, meaning if I missed, I'd likely over shoot and the bullets would hit in front of them, not behind. Is the bullets-at-the-heels thing supposed to make it look more exciting? Because rarely is the purpose of such a scene to imply that the hero is actually out running the enemy's shots. What gives?
H
Halloween II
Rob Zombie's slowly improving as a director, but that doesn't mean this unnecessary sequel (which is also a remake) is worth watching.
The Hangover
You may see better films this year, but I doubt you'll see one that's funnier.
Hannah Montana: The Movie
I cannot dignify this movie with any sort of review.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Lives up to the anticipation and so much more (but if you haven't seen any of the other Harry Potter films, you may want a cheat sheet to understand what's happening).
The Haunting in Connecticut
You walk out wanting to have seen a better movie on nearly all levels - most importantly in the quantity of scares and an engaging story.
He's Just Not That Into You
Not surprisingly, a dumb ass book is made into a dumb ass movie.
High School Musical 3: Senior Year
How a mediocre made-for-TV-movie musical became a national sensation is beyond my simple comprehension.
Homecoming
Some people go to there's, some - like myself and any wise film fan - don't.
Hotel for Dogs
Seriously, what would/could you expect from a film like this besides the obvious?
How to Lose Friends & Alienate People
Despite the unfathomable power of Megan Fox's body (and to a lesser extent, Simon Pegg's), this movie's a bigger waste of time than the book it's based upon.
The Hurt Locker
For once, an Iraqi war film that's not preachy, but rather intense, action packed, and driven with a purpose.
I
I Love You, Beth Cooper
Actually, I take that back, Beth; I don't.
I Love You, Man
Why it's titled after those lame old Budweiser commericals I don't know, but this movie is much funnier than it ought to be.
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Yet another entry into the 3D animation game, this installment of an overgrown film series is pointless in its existance.
Imagine That
...Eddie Murphy made yet another crappy kid-friendly film.
The Informant!
Despite showing off more of Matt Damon's acting skills, this films falls on the wrong side of the greatness scale.
Inglourious Basterds
A revenge fairy tale that plays fast and loose with history, serving up blood in place of justice and resulting in less of a film than a kid playing with his toy solders in a sandbox.
Inkheart
Dynamite cast, dud movie, but (some) kids still may enjoy it.
The International
Clive Owen and Naomi Watts are usually solid actors, but this clunker does neither them or the spy-action-thriller genre any good.
The Invention of Lying
Good concept played out rather lamely with a cast that should've done better.
J
JCVD
Jean-Claude Van Damme, nearly stepping into the same steaming pile Bruce Campbell did in "My Name is Bruce," could actually revitalize his career with his turn in this twisted version of an autobiographical film.
Jennifer's Body
Since screenwriter Diablo Cody received all of the credit for Juno's success, then she deserves all of the abuse for this heaping pile of teen-horror excrement.
Julie & Julia
You may think, "a cooking movie?," yet the combined talents of Meryl Streep & Amy Adams (and Stanley Tucci) pull this project out of the doldrums into the level of acceptability at the very least.
K
Killshot
The source material might have been an Elmore Leonard novel, but the odd combination of Diane Lane, Mickey Rourke, and Johnny Knoxville (!?) can't make it work.
Knowing
Knowing this movie's not going to be all that great may very well help you enjoy it more than you should.
L
Land of the Lost
Brutal.
Last House on the Left
Even though it's the obligitory horror movie released on Friday the 13th, LAST HOUSE has a moral quandry at its center which makes it slightly more interesting then your typical hack and slash horror film (though there is plenty of that as well).
Law Abiding Citizen
What works in theory or on paper doesn't always translate well on screen, and believe it or not, that holds very true here.
Love Happens
Not in this movie it don't (even though Aaron Eckhart shines over and above this drivel).
M
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
Amazingly, more entertaining than the first - yet I thought the original was only somewhat amusing and lacking any narrative structure so that's no ringing endorsement.
Madea Goes to Jail
And so should Tyler Perry and everyone willing to compromise themselves for being involved in this inane piece of shit film series.
Marley & Me
I'll take the four legged blond over either of the two legged versions any day of the week and twice on Sunday because it possess tons more character that the humans could ever hope for.
Max Payne
Idiocy has a new hero.
The Men Who Stare at Goats
Humorous and filled with solid performances, Goats falls just short of being an instant classic.
Milk
Mmmm, it does a body...oh wait, this political message movie screams out for an Oscar nod, stepping on the legacy of a real inspirational person in the process.
Miss March
Brutal to sit through, it almost makes one wish Team Apatow had bottomed out sooner so lame wanna-be's like the people behind this trash would never have appeared.
Monsters vs. Aliens
More a marketing ploy than an actual film (hell, it's been hyped since the middle of '08), it'll still entertain simply because so much is thrown at you, something's bound to stick.
My Bloody Valentine
I'd say see the original if that didn't suck as well, but hey it's in 3D, so check it out and enjoy the headache.
My Life in Ruins
That's supposed to be an ironic title, but truth be told, it's not.
My Name Is Bruce
Bruce Campbell's (of Evil Dead fame) movie about Bruce Campbell acting the way you imagine Bruce Campbell is really like if Bruce Campbell...well, you get the idea.
My One and Only
Based loosely on the early life of actor George Hamilton (you know, the really tan guy), this movie is nice, but ultimately disposable.
My Sister's Keeper
If you're goal in going to the movies is to cry, go ahead and see this; however be warned that your tears may not be caused by the cancer-related story line.
N
New In Town
I'd rather gouge my eyes out than watch Renee Zellweger scrunch her face up in a weak romantic comedy such as this (by the way, Harry Connick, can you please just stick to singing?).
Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist
I bet this movie's cool if you're like 17 and believe nights like this really happen, but the rest of us are a little wiser.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
This film is a complete sucker play for cash: there was no need or demand for a sequel to be made, yet for those seeking "kid friendly" fare, this will suffice (sort of) until UP hits the theaters next week.
Not Easily Broken
Utter mediocrity than easily could've been much worse considering the story, but also could've been much, much better.
Nothing but the Truth
The lame title hints at the content of this "based on a true story" film, yet I'm a sucker for anything C.I.A. (and Kate Beckinsale) related.
Nothing Like the Holidays
Why does Hollywood assume that since we all have to suffer through the holidays spending time with our own insane families that we'd like to see bad versions of that same hell up on a movie screen in a sad attempt to entertain us?
Notorious
The short life and times of the Notorious B.I.G. (who I perfer to call "Biggie Smalls" because I dig the word play involved) makes for a decent, yet expectedly cliched, bio-pic.
O
Observe and Report
Blessedly clocking in under 90 minutes, Rogen and company offer some hardy laughs intermixed with a bad homage (was it really intended?) to Taxi Driver.
Obsessed
I liked it a helluvalot better when it was called "Fatal Attraction" and starred some real actors.
Orphan
We've all seen the evil kid movie plot before, but the twist delivered here makes this more palatable than most of the others.
Outlander
Aliens + ancient Norway + monsters = Incomprehensible mess.
P
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Kevin James deserves better, yet oddly enough, he's can only blame himself for this mediocre comedy since he wrote it.
A Perfect Getaway
"B" movie genius from start to finish.
Pink Panther 2
If you saw the first re-make with Steve Martin, I apologize, and if you didn't, then there's no reason to start here.
Pirate Radio
Interesting true story with interesting characters, yet it's not that interesting to watch.
Planet 51
Treat it like you would gamma radiation - keep your kids protected and avoid at all costs.
Pride and Glory
Edward Norton, as usual, is just tops, but his choice of movies lately...gosh.
The Proposal
Predictable as any rom-com to come down the chute, yet Bullock and Reyonlds overcome this jaded material in a way that almost - almost - makes it watchable.
Public Enemies
The enemy of this film is director Michael Mann himself as all the piece are here for a great film, yet the audience only is treated to one that's good.
Punisher: War Zone
The third attempt to turn the violence of the comic book series The Punisher into a viable movie franchise, yet once again, an utter failure.
Push
Look, if you're gonna rip off the powers of the Jedi Knights from Star Wars could you at least throw in a light saber battle for good measure to make this mess remotely watchable?
Q
Quantum of Solace
I dig the new direction the filmmakers are taking the James Bond franchise with the added anger and purpose, but geez, can't you make it a little more fun?
Quarantine
People scream, people die, and then you walk out wondering why they can't make a good horror film any more.
R
Race to Witch Mountain
Surprisingly heavy on the car chases (which are by no means cheesy), WITCH MTN is solid family fare led by the winning presence of The Rock (yeah, I'm still calling Dwayne Johnson The Rock until he drops The People's Elbow on me to make me stop).
Rocknrolla
Director Guy Ritchie gets back to what he does best, but we've seen it before, done better, and without the massive confusion attached.
Role Models
Not horrible, yet nowhere near as funny, emotional, uplifting, or realistic as it could and should have been.
S
Saw V
The first one was original (in its own demented way), but c'mon, when Jigsaw's fighting Freddie Krueger, Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees, it's time to call the whole thing off.
Saw VI
Has the sixth installment of any film series really been worth seeing?
The Secret Life of Bees
A beekeeping movie in which no one is stung to death...hmm...must be a...yep...it's a chick flick.
Seven Pounds
It tricks you into caring for something so absurd that any logical thinking destroys the original tearjerking intent.
Sex Drive
Yet another entry into the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" been better teen sex comedies.
Shorts
A fantasy about wishing and what it could lead to, like wishing to exit the theater faster.
Slumdog Millionaire
A strange as the story may sound - an 18-year old one question away from winning India's version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" is arrested for suspected cheating prior to answering the final question - it's actually a darn good, uplifting film (but, I'll be damned if I ever travel to India after seeing this film.
The Soloist
While Robert Downey Jr. can do no wrong (even during the hazy drug years), this film kept getting its release date pushed back for a reason (hint: it's not because it's good).
Sorority Row
If'n you think that there ain't nothin' like killin' them thar college chicks, this 'uns fer you (otherwise avoid it like the Swine Flu).
Soul Men
Like Role Models, another solid combination of actors - Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson - yet the ultimate payoff in the film is lacking.
The Spirit
Enough of the monochrome color schemes, we've seen it and it was mildly interesting for a while, but if you're not going to add substance or interest anywhere in the film, then leave it all tucked away in the pages of a comic book.
Star Trek
For the first time in a long time, this is a Hollywood "blockbuster" that meets all the required criteria which makes it deeply satisfying in ways few films can (and no, I'm not a trekkie).
State of Play
A throwback conspiracy thriller that forces you to keep up with it if you want to enjoy the ending, I just wonder why it has to ultimately be so cliche?
The Stepfather
Hmmm...let's see...Halloween is approaching so it must be time for the obligatory stupid horror film that kids will go see because...well...it's Halloween.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
If you're thinking that a sequel to a movie based on a video game that had zero plot is going to be anything other than awful, I pity you.
Sugar
For once, a baseball movie that doesn't just celebrate all that is great with the sport or end with the dramatic ninth inning home run (pssst, that's a good thing).
T
Taken
This by-the-book kidnapping tale could've been much worse, but Liam Neeson's impersonation of a Clint Eastwood/Charles Bronson type doesn't quite cut it.
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Do yourself a favor and rent the original instead of dropping $10 on this dreck.
Taking Woodstock
If you really want the Woodstock experience, avoid this pseudo-true story and rent the original, true documentary about the event.
The Tale of Despereaux
A true fairy tale that attempts to tell a delicate story via the cartoon format that has been overrun by the hyper-jokism of the likes of Shrek, making it (accidentally) feel slow and sleepy.
Terminator: Salvation
Sure, there's some incredible action sequences, but everything in between those few moments is hokey crap.
Time Traveler's Wife
I don't say this often, but read the book if you want any sense of emotion and longing the film version forgets to include.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Sadly, the two things that neither blow up or transform during this movie are the actual film stock Michael Bay used or the so-called plot into something truly entertaining.
Transporter 3
Way to take a great, budding mindlessly fun action franchise and run it straight into the freakin' ground.
Twilight
You won't be able to talk your teenager out of making it the #1 movie this weekend, but seriously, how many different takes on vampires does this world need?
Twilight: New Moon
Likely you don't need a review of this film unless its to bolster your own preconceived notions of this book/film phenom, but truth be told, this film sucks.
Two Lovers
Say good-bye to Joaquin Phoenix (is he destined to go the way brother River did?) in this twisted tale of love and lovers.
U
The Ugly Truth
That this film passes for a modern romantic comedy is the real ugly truth.
Up
Pixar can do no wrong in my book, and while the premise of this film seeing odd, the execution is perfection.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Like the other two "Underworld" films that came before it, someone needs to take the filter off the camera lens because I can't take a movie seriously that's shot in completely one color scheme.
The Unborn
Touted as "written by (one of) the writer of the Dark Knight," this crap-fest should sour that lame scriptwriters career for good.
The Uninvited
Elizabeth Banks, enjoy your run as Hollywood's "it" girl, because crap like this will run your career into a brick wall fast.
V
Valkyrie
It's good, maybe even better than one would expect considering the weirdness surrounding its release, but it's a little too "History Channel-ish" for me to love it.
W
W
While the years of drug abuse have worn down what was a once a great filmmaker in Oliver Stone, you can't deny the gutsiness of his choice in subject matter or in Josh Brolin's performance.
Watchmen
The visuals are simply breathtaking (perhaps the best ever in a comic adaptation), yet with a two and half hour run time, why does the story still seem to be lacking?
Whatever Works
Whatever does work, it ain't this latest comedic offering from Woody Allen.
Where the Wild Things Are
This film will polarize people - you'll be enthralled with it or find it boring and uninteresting - and perhaps, just perhaps, you'll be a little of both.
Whip It
Better than it ought to be.
Whiteout
There's a nice combination of desolation within the plot and Antarctica setting, but the reveal brings the movie crashing down.
World's Greatest Dad
Writer/Director Bobcat Goldthwait mixes comedy and despair like few can, resulting in an interesting mix that will hit you in multiple places at once.
The Wrestler
Let me tell you, it ain't equal to all the hype surrounding it outside of Mickey Rourke's performance, especially since it's basically a parable of his life story.
X
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The question of whether you enjoy this film or not will depend on what you want from it - if you expect The Dark Knight, you'll hate it, but if you just want some special effects, explosions, and mind-numbing eye candy, this is for you.
Y
Year One
Oh, Harold Ramis, when are you going to admit you've become as outdated as this latest offering of yours?
Yes Man
I don't buy the pairing of Jim Carrey (who looks old) and Zooey Deschanel in a lame variation of Liar, Liar, but Carrey is still nutty enough to make you laugh out loud.
Z
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Vileness has subsitituted for comedy for too long now, and director Kevin Smith's latest effort is much like all of his work - in need of better direction and a well rounded, non-cliche plot.
Zombieland
No scares, but plenty of laughs which could come a tad faster and harder than they do.
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